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October 2008

September 2008

Tales of Amsterdam and the Blood Sausage

Sex_Shop_Amsterdam

Do you know where your Grandparents are?

Years ago when I worked in Amsterdam, you’d often see something amusing or amazing …or both.    Once a week it happened the coaches would pull up inside the red light district.   The bus doors would open and out stepped several coach loads of pensioners and they would pile straight into the nearest sex shop!!! Well…….I never. What was even more amazing, I discovered that these frisky pensioners were all from Britain.   They didn’t just browse either you could see them clambering back onto their buses laden down with videos and sex toys.

 

The sex shop owner Andre told me two old British female pensioners had a cat fight over a big black dildo called Johnny Wad. It was on sale and it was the last one in his shop.   The fight carried on until some Hells Angels broke it up.

 

The Tale of the Blood Sausage

I was working in the centre of Amsterdam at a rather plush hotel called

The Grand Hotel Krasnapolsky, along with a handful of Brits and 1 American.

Each February Amsterdam holds a Catholic festival that included a carnival parade, when it was still very cold…however it definitely brightens up the winter.

One of our 2 favourite local bars decided to hold a masquerade (fancy dress) party with a 400-guilder prize (which back then was about £100…a very decent prize).  So we decided as a group to go to the party.

If you can remember the cigar smoking baby in Who framed Roger Rabbit add a beard & moustache then you get some idea of how Steve looked in his bath towel sized Nappy (diaper). Only someone larger than life and full of confidence would dress like that, did I tell you he was a scouser?

On the other hand Phil was the kinda guy who if he couldn’t get a women then the next best thing was a fight, with strangers or his friends he showed no bias, an enigima of a man sometimes likeable sometimes loathsome…but never boring.  Phil, had just returned from a long weekend back to the UK so with no time to prepare went as the Jolly Green Giant by rubbing green food colouring all over his body. During the long evening he fell asleep but not before trying to chat up Tony the hooker. Only when Tony finally convinced Phil that he was a he did Phil give up his chat up line…..and then he fell asleep on my coat making the inside for ever green.

Tony was a nice young lad from Ireland, a likeable guy who was so good looking he should have been a model and it was due to those pretty boy good looks that the girls had decided to turn him into an Amsterdam hooker, complete with makeup and a wig.
I have no idea how long the transformation took but I do know the girls stripped him naked before they started. I had to admit walking towards the bar Tony looked like a very convincing, attractive young woman and even turned a few heads and attracted a few whistles as we walked.

Hans, the bar owner was a tall fit man, who obviously spent ever waking hour in the gym. Even so he was a very decent guy and allowed us to dance on the bar when the urge came upon us.  It was during the course of this particular evening that the urge did indeed come amongst us and we complied. After that……… the rest of the evening went a bit blurry as they sometimes did back then.

It was several days later when I popped in to Han's place and found Mial & Phil sitting at the bar; they seemed to looking over Polaroid photos of the party. One in particular seemed to be very amusing to them. I asked if I could take a look. At first glance it was a shot of 4-5 of our group dancing on the bar, but when you looked more closely Tony had his skirt hiked up and his manhood was dangling out of his pantyhose.

Several minutes later Tony walked into the bar, as we all made a concerted effort not to fall about laughing…you see in the interim Hans had pinned the offending Polaroid in amongst the other hundred or so photos and other bric-a-brac that made up the collage on the bar wall. Since the montage of photos had been there for several years Tony didn’t really pay it much attention. In the end it took a full two weeks before Tony realized……….that his blood sausage had been hanging out on display for two weeks for all of Amsterdam.

 


Simply Fabio

Fabio_capello
 

After so many false dawns (you know that slapper that lives down the road, she’s really an alcoholic cross-dressing he).  Could this be the second coming? No I’m not talking about an overly long continental style of rumpy pumpy.

 

Shhhhh!  (then whispering)  I’m talking about the team…the footie team…3 lions.

After giving Croatia the drubbing they so richly deserve many others and I over here are holding our collective breath.  Has manager Fabio Capello got a winning formula?  Is England about to become the real deal? After so much cross-dressing and self-love by the players?   And self-love is fine in the privacy of your own home why do they choose to do it in front of 70,000 people?

 

The last time we had such high hopes was 7 years ago after trouncing the German’s

5-1 in Germany.  Just a day before that match I remember being goaded by an over confident German co-worker to back the England team.  I had a rush of blood and up the anti to £10 to win plus £5 a goal for the winning team.

 

 That day we gave the Germans a master class in winning a football match and served notice to the rest of the world we were a team to watch.  Then as quickly as our newfound dominance came……………. it went, leaving a puzzled look on the then coach’s face.

 

I’m sure when some of that generation of footballer’s look back on their careers they will wish they had fore-filled their football potential, instead of their earning potential.

 

It’s not often that I count my blessings at being an older man but in this case I get reverence and hushed respect as I recount and embellish to younger males that I was there! watching the 1966 final on the Telly live that England won 4-2, and how magical it was.  I don’t tell them my mum dragged me out to help carry the shopping half way through the match and I didn’t find out the result until later.

 

I do hope Dawn stay’s away from this party cus.. holding my breath isn’t as easy as it was 7 years ago.


Valley of the Dolls

  

“Japanese Women must be gagging for it”, pronounced Chris.  “Yep it certainly looks that way”, I concurred.

 

Your probably wondering how on earth two old geezers living in England might have any notion as the sexual proclivity of Japanese women.

Well normally you’d be right and you could frankly dismiss this wild assertion, as lunacy……….but not this time.

 

Too much Love

REUTERS news agency reported the other day: "When 45 year old Engineer Tabo arrives home, it's not his wife or girlfriend that's waiting for him. But his love dolls, neatly and quietly sitting on the sofa.... "

The man’s small apartment is crammed to the rafters.  He then very lovingly adjusts the wigs on one of his “girlfriends” before the voice over continues…

"Tabo is one of the increasing number of Japanese men who has given up on dating or marrying women in the real world, and turn to these dolls for love, affection and sex. Tabo has spent more than $170,000 to buy nearly 100 of these sex dolls."

 

These $6,000 love dolls I guess could say are the Rolls Royce of sex toys and are not the blow up kind.  They look a lot more realistic have 35 moving parts and weight 27kilo.  The Japanese company that makes these “companions” said originally we made these dolls for handicapped people but they seem to have taken off.  The manager went on to say we now make 100 different models at the Tokyo factory.


I squinted at Chris pushing my glasses more firmly back onto my face…and then said  “I wonder when we will be able to get them on the NHS?”

Chris licked his bottom lip and squirmed around in his chair.

 

“I could see”, I told him.  “In a couple years time a factory in Mid Wales helping to revived the local economy (putting on my best Welsh accent) and we could call them "Valley of The Dolls”.

 

 

 


Get off your lazy fat Ar**e and cook your kid a proper dinner

Sorry...the explitive in the headline was Chris's idea.

I thought since this was British Food Fortnight Chris and I should "do our bit" to encourage our fellow counrtymen to eat real food.  www.britishfoodfortnight.co.uk

 

Kids and Food
I’m so tired of hearing the phrase “My kids wont eat that………there finicky!”
Oh…..was my reply….so what do they eat then?…… “Well they like chips, and chicken nuggets of course and burgers as long as there is no salad in the bun”. “I can never get them to try vegetables…so I have given up”. “I know…I know I let them have a breakfast of crisps and a tin of pop…..but what can I do?…..I don’t have time to make breakfast these days”. “What’s the point of having a dinning table?……they usually eat their TV dinners on their laps in front of the TV or computer. Then the child adds“My mom burns everything if she tries to cook……..that is why she only uses the microwave”.

 

My questions & comments
If you love your kids why do you feed them so poorly? …you are shortening their lives with a junk food only diet. By the time they are in the 50’s they will have the physical problems of someone in there 70’s.

Food can be the social cement of a family, a chance to be together and not just a bunch of strangers living in one house.

The food choices of UK children have not always been bad and unhealthy…in the end kids eat what we allow them to eat.  When I was a kid………. restaurants didn’t have “A kiddie menu” they offered half size portions of the adult menu.

There are lots of unused powers still available to parents to encourage good eating habits.  Pocket money…..mobile phones….rewards and treats such as Easter eggs, sweets, magazines, Videos or DVD’s….the list is often endless and yet these powers of persuasion are rarely used.

 

So know what you are Eating

Read the labels the largest ingredient is always listed first.

Did you know that E numbers are basically in food to mask and enhance poor quality ingredients?

Did you know that cooking from scratch is cheaper than ready made meals?

Did you know that if a drink is low in sugar it usually has artificial sweeteners in it.
Artificial sweeteners like aspertaime (which is sold under the name nutrasweet).

Don't take it as so that all foods sold in supermarkets are fine...........they're not.

Never presume...which kinda bring me back to a story I read in the newspaper when I was 18.

I was eating a tasty greasy bacon sandwich covered in brown sauce when I read that some poor unfortunate old lady had a treasured dog for her companion, it was like her child she never went on holiday, because she couldn't bare to be seperated from "bobby".  There was a new restaurant in her town that she want to try out and she of course took her beloved dog.  When she tried to enter the restaurant the manager told her sorry no dogs.  Just as she was about to leave the owner, not wanting to turn business away offered to put booby in the back until she was ready to leave.

She agree to this but unfortunately no one told the chef.  After finishing her delicious meal she paid and got up to leave, when she asked for her beloved pouch the embarrassed waiter explained....sorry madam...you've eaten him.

 


I would like to invite all members to a shindig, a veritable hootenanny

I'm gosh darn talking about the new kids in your neighbourhood...well old really...but new in these parts.

I'm Chris...and the old tired looking one is Kev we have a blog called grumpyoldmen. The address is

www.grumpyoldmen.vox.com  It's a witty and unapologetic commentary on modern life and it's absurdity; definitely not politically correct.  Written by two crusty old geezers who want to prevent further change for change sake.

We were using another blogging platform but felt we wanted to move into a classier neighbourhood so here we are!

Because it's been transplanted you will find already 16 juicy posts...just waiting to get your goat or dander up.

So don't be shy Chris and I have been sprayed for flees and are certified.  Don't worry if your American we will be happy to translate the jokes from English to American English.

Just before I go I wanted to share just a modicum of wisdom with you good folks called The Six Truths of Life.

1.You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.

2.All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3.And discover that the first truth is a lie.

4.You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Chris and I wanted to apologise about this. We are idiots and needed company, thank you.

 

 


Long ago and far away

 

When I was still fairly good looking, married to my American wife and living
State-side…in blissful ignorance of the capabilities of a woman.

Even now look back (as long as I put my glasses on) to the memories of early mornings. You see my then wife named Lisa who was a vision of beauty, her long blonde hair…sometimes in a French Braid or just gently cascading down her statuesque perfect size 10 frame. Even although we were married she still had an air of mystery that I admired, a certain femininity that even I could not see beyond.

Our very different timetables, which meant I didn’t have to rise at the same time as her. Often half awake after reaching out and groping the empty space next to me, I would dreamily watch her getting dressed and putting on her make-up.
She looked a picture of calmness, serenity, her hair just so…her choice of clothes perfect for the time of year. Even her choice of perfume seemed enough to leave a memory of her in the bedroom….not too much just enough to tease my senses. She looked so beautiful and yet every inch a professional, business women.

Rude Awakening

We lived in a rather plush high-rise apartment complex which was complete with its own built-in shops (similar to the ones you find in swanky hotels) these included a gym, mini-supermarket, clothes boutique and even a hairdresser.

We lived on the 7th floor and about to go to some forgettable social event.
Being a weekend the lobby and lifts were full…lots of people milling around as we got it the elevator. As we squeezed into the already full lift, we noted some familiar faces of neighbours in the crowd.

Suddenly and without warning my beautiful and demure wife who was standing at my side, let out the loudest.. longest…smelliest fart I had every experienced anywhere in my life. As quickly as the gas attack ended she turned to me and asked…”OH Kevin, how could you?”

Of course, the rest of the full elevator presumed that I had let rip…not my sweet demure wife, who had managed to keep a straight face. The accusing looks that bore down on me as we all endured the remaining 6 floors of descent to the ground floor were almost unbearable. The smell lingered as we all impatiently waited for the lift to come to a complete stop before the doors began to open. My silent blushes only confirmed to my fellow passengers of my guilt.

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Patrick Moore-Better Than Bushy Ears!

Patrick-Moore

After reading our recent posting “The Scary thing about”-Clubbing and Bushy Ears, one of our readers bemoaned that they have luxurious growing eyebrows indeed the person expressed a fear of becoming Patrick Moore (ish).

So I feel a need to cheer our colleague up with a few honest observations.
Firstly I’ve often seen pretty women (sometimes 2 at a time, in fact, draped on the arms of Patrick Moore. Why is that you ask?…. I believe it’s down to his sexy eyebrows.
Sexy ?…you say…yes to me they conjure up the image of 2 furry caterpillars in a constant state of copulation because they are joined together; this unwittingly sends out a subliminal message which seems to be mostly picked up by very attractive young women. The subliminal message is of course that the wearer is constantly looking for copulation.

Denis-healey-6

Another well-known man with a luxurious pair of caterpillars was Labour Politician Denis Healey
He too seemed to attract much younger very beautiful women to his side.
Could this extra mane of hair remind sexually active women of our caveman past….Another subliminal message that touches their mostly dormant animalistic urges and draws them in. On the other hand, my two caterpillars seem to be lurking in the Bushes....(Bushy Ears).

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Drowning In A Sea Of Empty Promises

There are some people so evil in this world; it's hard for normal folks to comprehend how these things came about. There's a well know saying that goes something like this. All evil needs to flourish are for good men to do nothing.

What am I talking about? Technology creep the insidious tide or change that is always wrapped in the promise of "It will save you time" when the purveyors of this muck really mean "It will safe our companies money".

Slowly at first it was automated on hold services.so instead of just listening to a phone ring and it costing you nothing but time the new arrangement would make you have a kind of conversation with a machine who couldn't understand you let alone help you, sometimes accidentally disconnect you and cost you money and time.how is this progress?

After the annual conference on evilness the evil begetter of this scheme came up with and even more fiendish way to make us feel the world's gone crazy with the introduction of a more complex human less system. This involved pressing different numbered keys to answer all of our questionspress one for accountspress two. for balance enquiriesThe trouble more often than not is your particular question has not been allocated a numberwhat then? Was the system set up by a bean counter that just didn't believe in customer service?

After a hiatus of a couple of years. probably lying on a beach enjoying the big fat bonus his company had rewarded him he then had a masterstroke and invented junk mail. Then of course just to tease us and make his whole ugly family laugh at us he invented the fake unsubscribe button. You know the one even if you write nasty letters your still on their list, even though you inadvertently signed up for one company to send you "valuable offers"now you have 20 because Mr Evil split the company into 20 subsidiaries.

Then finally after years of broken promises governments finally make it against the law to not unsubscribe a person if they had requested it. A fair few of the reputable companies complied with the new law but still many are thumbing their noses at it, with convenient broken links and the like.

Today evil is fat and bloated leaving his minions to do the dirty work for him, occasionally though the urge to tinker becomes too great and he pleasures himself with a twist on an old theme. The standard reply form. Now he evil genius has gone one step further and began using these insidious reply forms in email correspondence.

So instead of being totally ignored and knowing where you stood with a company, you now get a series of fiendishly clever pretyped replies expressing the companies concern and how your letter will be discussed.and yet the reader then realizes that none of his questions have been answered.


Grumpyoldmen.....on Olympic logo.......a No No

London-2012-logo-lisa-bart-simpson

With the Olympic games currently going on in China, I thought this would be a good time to write about the logo that has been chosen for the next Olympic games in London in 2012 and the heated debate that surrounds it.

For non-Brits reading this I'm sure your own respective local governments from time to time make equally foolish decisions that waste money. The London committee for the Olympics is no exception because, amongst the torrent of criticisms that have poured in, some on facebook have compared the logo to Lisa Simpson giving a BJ.

Two Logos?

Firstly how or why any company needs to charge £400,000 ($600,000 dollars) for a logo is hard for most ordinary folk to grasp. The fact that London in its arrogance was prepared to pay such a sum, shows how out of touch and egotistical politicians have become. Worse still is most of the public prefer the logo that was created to help win the Olympic bid, which shows the Olympic rings and symbolises London's Underground which was pivotal in showing that London had the necessary transport infrastructure.

London_2012_Olympic_bid_logo.svg

The Logo was controversial on another front and labelled 'confusing' by members of the public at its unveiling. Seemingly the proposition by the decision makers was....if a top PR company is chosen for the task and the cost is expensive the logo will bound to be a success. Well, Olympics come and they go but who can remember the logo from Athens or from Sydney?

Businesses and Government can often make bad choices because people run them and people make mistakes. They waste money on things they didn't need to spend money on. In this case, it shows arrogance and a lack understanding and it's the taxpayer who is paying for this unnecessary waste of £400,000. Why can't they use the logo that was used for the campaign to get the Olympics in London? Or if Sebastian Coe wants the whole of the UK involved in the Olympics why couldn't they have a competition to create a logo, surely the winner wouldn't be any worse?

This logo seems like a rerun of the Emperor's new clothes, none of the decision makers were brave enough to stand up and say how bad it was.

 

Renaming a restaurant

I once knew a successful pizza restaurant owner named Rob, he and two other partners jointly owned 3 successful pizza restaurants. Then the partnership broke up and they decided to split the restaurants up between them. Rob had taken the restaurant with the best location but had agreed to change his recipes and the name of the restaurant in return.

A clever and successful businessman by all accounts Rob felt it was necessary to use a PR company to come up with a new name. He felt that the restaurant needed a big re-launch under its new name so he hired a big daytime soap star then used all his local media connections to get them to attend, which they did, complete with local TV News cameras.

Let me take a moment to explain the very successful concept of these restaurants. You took your raw pizza base over to the toppings bar and put as much pizza toppings as you wanted before handing it back to the kitchen for them to cook it.

So for a cool $100,000 and several months work the PR agency came up with the name Pizza PIES On. because the customers make their own pizzas.

The big day of the re-launch arrived and the new name was going to be unveiled by the TV soap star. The weather was great and the soap star had attracted several thousands of people to the opening bash. Balloons and face painting for the kids. Free pizza and cold drinks helped to create a party atmosphere. The newspaper reporters and the local news crews rolled up as promised, ready to give this re-launch a highly publicised beginning.

Unfortunately, the covering sheet got tangled in the new name so the sign was only partial unveiled. A young boy shouted in earshot of the cameras "Look mom. Pizza Poison." Just an unfortunate mistake. but the local TV news people picked up the story. Within 18 months the restaurant closed.

So just because a lot of money was spent didn't mean the name or logo was better.

The highly talented PR people and a successful businessman failed to spot the obvious, that their new name could be mistaken for Pizza Poison.


The Trouble with Men

The Trouble with men

Having been through a couple of marriages and more than a few relationships, recently it dawned on me what I was doing wrong. Nothing to do with sex, nothing to do with money...or even personal hygiene....No this is more fundamental, and this is a problem that many men in relationships suffer from.

You see most men sooner or later want the same thing a quiet life....And by that I mean they usually end up accepting things for the sake peace and quiet.

That in itself seems either lazy or laudable....or perhaps both. The downside of giving in 100% on minor issues is women end up convinced that we are incapable of making a decision.

Then there is the issue of how women perceive us. Whenever men are told off about leaving the toilet seat up we stay silent and look sheepish rather than pointing out in equal measure the faults of our female partners. We don’t complain about the overly feminine bedroom décor or the fact we can never get into the bathroom if our household has teenage females in it…or that there is no space in the bathroom cabinet (that we put up) because it is filled with makeup, tampons, cotton wool pads and other “can’t live without girlie paraphernalia.

We need to regain an equal footing in relationships and point out to women that just like men they too have faults….Faults that for the most part men choose to turn a blind eye to for love or for the sake of peace.

© 2006. All rights reserved. No content on this website including, but not limited to, text and photography may not be reproduced without prior explicit written consent.